Anton Casey cures Singaporeans of Xenophobia

Singaporeans from all walks of life were rejoicing today after Anton Casey inadvertently cured them all of xenophobia. This occurred after it was revealed that British readers of left liberal newspaper “The Guardian” hate the obnoxious expat too.

One office worker commented, “I know we’re supposed to help foreigners integrate, but really I just wanted to integrate my foot with his ass, if you know what I mean. At first I felt ashamed for harbouring such xenophobic thoughts, but apparently everyone in the world hates Anton Casey, so now it just seems normal and totally fine”.

The pale-faced expat is currently keeping a low profile, whereabouts unknown. But some Singaporeans sensed an opportunity. “At first I just wanted to throw eggs at his house, very xenophobic, I know.” admitted one cabby. “But after realising that thousands of Brits hate Casey too, I thought why not forge closer ties with the UK, ship our eggs over there and outsource the process? It may seem strange to integrate with foreigners who don’t actually live here, but at least they don’t hate us, right”.

Media commentators predict that hatred of Casey will continue to grow exponentially until either he apologises, or the next MRT breakdown, at which point everyone in Singapore will go back to bitching about the government instead.

PM Lee enjoys fairytale start to football career

PM Lee rolled back the years to come off the bench on Monday and enjoy a fairytale start to his professional football career, lifting the MSL trophy on his first appearance for the LionsXII.

PM Lee lifting the MSL trophy on his first appearance for LionsXII

Fears allayed

The joyous scenes that surrounded Lee junior after the final whistle blew at Jalan Besar stadium were not something that all fans had initially dared to hope for. “To be honest, the PM is not getting any younger, and we’ve all heard the rumours that he can’t shoot straight” said former journalist Peter Lim, “but our fears were allayed when we saw the PM athletically leap from the bench and make an unstoppable run for the silverware as soon as the final whistle blew”.

Superior genetics

Another fan, Calvin Cheng, was more gushing in his praise. “This will be front page news tomorrow. Just look at his contribution. The former Brigadier General’s supreme upper body strength is there for all to see as he lifts the trophy” said the one-time Nominated Member of Parliament. “Today’s performance from our PM was possibly the greatest individual sporting performance since his father knocked out Mike Tyson at Madison Square Garden. The superior genetics of the whole family were very clearly on show tonight”.

Despite having not yet witnessed Lee kick a ball professionally, Mr Cheng was leading the calls for the PM to take his football career to the next level. “Barcelona, Real Madrid or Manchester United? It is really a question of when, not if”.

Doubts over new career

Others were more circumspect in their assessment of the PM’s professional prospects. “Although the option is surely there, it is unlikely to be something that materializes. The PM has often been too busy running the country to hold elections, so it is not clear how he would find the time to attend training sessions” said one member of the Lions squad speaking after the match. Others further noted that the PM, with leadership roles at GIC, the PAP and the PA, and who is also known to be a smooth operator in the property market, is likely to be too busy to devote much time to a prospective football career.

Officials at Manchester United also appeared to pour cold water on a possible transfer, stating that although the Red Devils were considering a deal to bring Cristiano Ronaldo back to Old Trafford, a deal for PM Lee was out of the question – “Too expensive.” said one lawyer speaking for the club – “obviously the best man for the job, but we just can’t match his salary demands”.

Singapore to become global retail refurbishment hub by 2025.

Singapore today unveiled plans to become a world leading global hub in retail premises demolition, refurbishment and re-construction by 2025. Speaking from a hastily erected podium littered with rubble at iconic shopping destination Orchard Road, the Minister for National Redevelopment launched the strategic roadmap to much fan-fare.